Fear is Overcome (Sketch #5)

As I sat in anticipation, I could feel the cold sweat beading up on the back of my neck. The sweet-smelling hairspray I had used this morning now gave me a nauseous feeling in my stomach. I was suddenly aware of an intense twitching in my right foot, and my mouth seemed to be as dry as the Sahara. “You can do this” was the mantra I had been continually telling myself for the past couple of weeks, but now it seemed to be a futile cliché. As if in a faraway place, I caught the ending of the announcer saying “… and now I present to you, our Valedictorian of 2011, Taylor Holstrom!”

            As I slowly walked up the stairs for what seemed like ages, I couldn’t help but recall how much I feared public speaking. It was just one of those things that I told myself I would never do in my lifetime. I’m just not the best person for it. Even when I get called on in class my face turns a bright red out of fear of saying something wrong. So when my vice principal told me that I would be speaking at graduation because I was the valedictorian, I was more horrified than honored. I pictured me tripping up the stairs, not remembering anything I was going to say, then just running off of the stage in tears. The speech that was now on sweaty note cards had been gone over hundreds of times, but it still didn’t seem to calm the nerves that I was feeling. At this point of my mental turmoil, I had made it to the podium.

            I began to get situated as my heart rate climbed. Seeing those couple thousand people certainly didn’t help. The lights were bright, but I was able to focus on one person in the crowd: my mom. I could see her bright smile and proud glow from a mile away. After a few deep breaths, I began to speak. “If I have learned anything from my past 13 years at Trinity…” I shakily began. But, with each passing sentence, I grew more confident. I was doing it! I was giving a speech to all of these people and not failing miserably.

            As I began to near the end of my speech, I think I had one of those outer body experiences. Well, maybe not to that extent, but I began to really notice the implications of what I was trying to impart to my fellow graduates. “…and I hope you will not let your fear of failure keep you from attempting to achieve something greater than you could imagine.” At that moment, I realized I had done just that. I had seriously thought that my speech would be a huge disaster and that I would ruin graduation for everyone. But because I was somehow able to overcome that fear (I’m pretty sure it was mostly because my mom encouraged me through my multiple panic attacks), I achieved something I never thought I would be able to do.

            By the time the audience’s applause hit my ears, I knew that this would be a moment that I would forever keep in my memory bank. Not because I graduated, or because I had the privilege to speak as the valedictorian, but because I was able to do something I never thought possible. And as cliché as you may think it sounds, I know that it is a moment that has made me the much more confident person I am today.